THE WOUNDED BOY

 

When I am in my wounded boy, I am a creature who is wistful and full of unexpressed sorrow, who keeps his feelings at bay, even from himself, and tries to maintain a cheerful exterior. What is being held at bay? Feelings of abandonment, loss, deprecation, inferiority, helplessness, and rage.

The abandonment this boy feels is profound.  Although surrounded by people who care about him, he does not feel their caring somehow.  He knows that in the past, people who were supposed to care about him all the time did so spottily, not always when he really needed it.  He learned to do without caring attention.  He learned to carry on the best he could, filling in the blanks in his knowledge and competence with estimations of what was called for.  He learned that, more often than not, he could not rely on others to address his needs and that if he wanted something, he had to take care of it himself.  He became a lonely soldier, marching through life with a grim belief that he was all alone in the world.

The feelings of loss plague this boy and chip away at his outward cheerfulness.  Loss of friends has become a weight on his soul that grows incrementally through time.  Loss of friends through death, relocation, physical and emotional distancing, and the busyness of life has taken a toll on him.  Loss of dreams also weigh on him.  Loss of finding his way to complete a vision he had when younger aches in him and fills him with regret.  Losses in the greater world fill him with anguish as habitats, species, and ecosystems are lost or destroyed. The weight of these losses weigh heavily on his shoulders as he carries them as a daily burden through life.  This boy will not share his grief with others.  He does not want to burden them or have them think of him as weak.

This wounded boy does not believe he is as good or worthy as others.  He believes others are better at whatever quality or activity is being called up.  He can easily value others and disparage himself.  He can see their good traits while maintaining blindness to his own.

This boy feels helpless to impact his relationships.  He believes that others will always prevail over his wants, needs, intentions, and desires and that it is futile to even try to express, confront, negotiate, or stand up for himself.  He would rather not risk the rejection and failure that he believes is sure to come.

Because of all the foregoing, this boy is filled with rage.  He is angry that things have turned out to be the way he perceives them.  He resents others who seem to thrive and prosper at his expense.  He is envious of those who seem to manage to fulfill their desires and successfully strive for what they want in life.

When this boy is activated, and unconsciously allowed to prevail, the actions that come forth bring grief to others.

 

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